22 May 2009
Slow Joe's Commencement Speech
Joe Biden recently gave a commencement speech to Wake Forest. His stupidity has been noted by many others. I wanted to give exposure to Monty, a commenter at Ace's site. He gave his commencement speech in the comments. I copy here.
Monty's Commencement Speech
To the Graduating Class of 2009:
Listen up, you pack of whiny, overpampered and underqualified assholes. I'm only going to say this once: you don't matter. The universe won't grind to a halt if I cut your throat right this second, which I'd be happy to do if I thought I could get away with it. You're worth more dead than alive to me: dead means that I'd at least have had the pleasure of killing you, while alive means I have to continue to look at your stupid sheep's faces and listen to your nonsensical bleating.
But in order to collect my fee from the gormless knobs who run this so-called institution of higher learning I must at least make an attempt at imparting some wisdom, so here goes.
The first thing you should realize is that at least half of you are destined for failure. Probably more than half. By which I mean that whatever dreams you harbor right now are doomed to go unfulfilled.
All you cheerleaders, with your perky tits and good hair and perfect skin? You are going to get fat and your boobs are going to droop and your husbands will start fantasizing about girls half your age. You'll either get divorced on the mistaken assumption that it's your husband and not yourself who's the defective cog, or you'll stay anchored in a loveless sham of a marriage. Either way, you'll end up as a bitter, twisted old hag.
All you muscular jocks, looking forward to a pro career in some sport or other? You are doomed to a life of irrelevance. Your knee or back will give out, or you will simply find out that your vaunted talents in this little arena don't mean shit ou there in the big wide world where there are literally millions of athletes who are better than you. You will get a job that you hate, marry one of those destined-to-be-fat cheerleaders, and will die of a stress-related heart-attack at fifty or so. And that's if you don't blow your own head off first. And you know what? It'll be no great loss. America didn't really need another "glory days" high school washout to add to our already-overstuffed demographic.
Nerds? Your IQ doesn't mean dogshit in this brave new world. There are hordes of Indian and Chinese nerds who can do exactly what you can do, but will do it for less money, and for longer periods, than you can. Your lack of social skills unfit you for non-technical fields, so that really leaves eternal cubicle-slave drudgery for the rest of your miserable days. You will retire from a job that you hate but were too afraid to quit into a retirement that is as sere and barren as the desert. You will die as you have lived: anonymous, useless, boring even to yourself.
Prospective lawyers? Fuck you. Seriously. Fuck you with a hoe-handle. With a rusty saw-blade. With a mile-long length of razor-wire. If there is any justice on this earth you will be sent to prison where you will be shanked in the shower, and die as other convicts point and laugh. You are most of the reason the modern world sucks complete ass. I'd like to punch each and every one of you in the throat.
It's just barely possible that there are two or three of you out there in whom the spirit of true creativity and risk-taking has not been trampled. To you I say: get the fuck out of this place right now. Do not waste one more second of your time amongst the rest of these doomed sheep. Every moment you lose here is a moment you could be spending making something of your life. Most of the faces you see here are the faces of doomed people, people who were dead before they ever lived. Don't be like them, or the dead souls who taught them. Be smart, be fast, and be ruthless when you have to.
That's all I have to say. I have nothing but black stuff in my heart for you worthless motherfuckers, and I count it as an unfortunate circumstance that you weren't all murdered in your sleep. From the bottom of my heart: I hate your fucking miserable guts, all of you.